I jumped...and lost (this time)

On Monday I was at my fitness studio, moving through the stations, and feeling strong for the first time since returning to a regular workout schedule. About 30 minutes into the session, and one moment of distraction later, I was on the floor, experiencing excruciating pain in my ankle. The victim of having misjudged a jump over a 20 inch high piece of tape, I have taken myself out of my game for at least a week. Swollen and bruised (on ankle and elbow), and just a little bit embarrassed, I have also gathered more evidence that I am a klutz.

Three weeks ago I finally tired of the game I’d been playing (called “avoiding the gym”) and made a commitment to myself that I would work out 5 times a week for the months of July and August. The first two weeks were killers. Every day I came home with aches and pains in muscles I hadn’t used in ages. I needed a nap after work just so I could get through my evening. I started packing more food with me to eat during the day. I had to remember to wash my workout clothes every night. There were a lot of very good reasons and excuses why working out 5 days a week wasn’t worth it and the voice in my head sang those excuses loud and strong those 2 weeks. However, I persevered because I made a promise, a commitment to myself. I knew the body pain would eventually disappear, my energy levels would recover (and in fact, improve) and that the additional fitness would not only help my weight loss efforts, I would also start to see some muscle definition.

So having an accident at the beginning of Week 3 in my 8 week game is interesting. It has me thinking about the power of our subconscious mind, and how much we LOVE being comfortable. I can’t help but wonder if this was an attempt (a poorly disguised one, I might add) for me to sabotage my efforts to reaching my fitness goals. After all, I have no idea what my body will look like when I reach those goals. I am also less than 20 pounds away from my goal weight. I’m beginning to get some definition in my legs and arms (even I can see that in the mirror). And my partner is making more and more comments about how fit and sexy I am looking, and how proud he is of my efforts.

So if everything is going according to my plan (and reaching my goals are within sight), why would I want to sabotage it all? What is it that would rather have me stay stuck in my old patterns and habits, and live life as usual? Well, life is certainly easier and more comfortable in a pattern. In fact, there is very little effort required in routine. I just need to roll out of bed each day and the programming kicks in. I don’t even need to really be awake to shower, make coffee, get dressed and arrive at my desk. In fact, I know there are days when I swear I was sleep walking the entire time.

No, I think why we sabotage ourselves is because of fear. It’s kind of scary to think about actually HAVING the ability to take on all those things I say I would love to do, but can’t because I’m not strong enough or too heavy. I might actually have to DO something instead of just look wistfully on, as a bystander. I also admit I get anxious when I think about being able to wear those smaller (and sexier) clothes, that again, I only now dream about wearing.  And yes, I am going to have to deal with the noise in my head about a new body shape. It is definitely easier to stay the same and be comfortable. And always, the question is – do I want easy or do I want to have a great life?

So that’s my choice. I can give in and give up, and let fear rule. Or, in the now infamous words of Nike, I could feel the fear and “just do it.”

I’m choosing the latter. No longer am I willing to hand over my power in this area.  My body gets a few days of rest to heal, and then I will be back at the studio. Facing the prospect of more sore muscles. But also living the possibility of having a strong, lean body that is going to take me through the rest of my life.